Heyy!! Sorry I haven’t updated recently but I have been so busy with school and homework and everything else so I just haven’t had the time…But now I have about 30 minutes so let’s do this!
Mental Health. You hear those two words and instantly you think of depression, anxiety, OCD, eating problems. All of those. But people expect people to act a different way because of this. Everyone’s mental health is different.
I self-diagnosed myself as depressed. I’m too scared to tell people this because people say that if a doctor didn’t diagnose you then you can’t call yourself depressed. So I guess that me self harming, crying in front of the fridge as I eat twixes and trying to commit suicide several times aren’t symptoms of depression. I’ve been like this since year 9 (age 13/14) and it comes and goes. Sometimes I’m happy without a care in the world and other days I feel nothing. Literally nothing apart from sadness. Like today: I was ok until I got home and for certain reasons I became upset. I tried to cover it up but my family noticed something was wrong. I don’t tell them anything, not unless I absolutely have to. I tell my friends instead, they would listen more.
It’s sad I don’t tell my family anything, but I can’t. I’m too scared.
One of my friends is diagnosed with depression. He has to take antidepressants and a bunch of other pills, and i know I don’t need them, but I’m too scared to say anything. Maybe you have to have self-harmed a certain amount of times to be properly diagnosed..maybe you have to ALWAYS be unhappy. I know those aren’t true, but I’m too scared to say anything else.
I just want to talk about me and my problems. I describe myself as having two parts of myself: the happy side that everyone sees most of the time, and the dark side that comes out every so often. It laughs at me and mocks me, calling me awful names and in the end I crack and end up scratching myself, most of the time with my nails because they’re too short to do any real damage, but sometimes with a compass or scissors – whatever I can find in my room.
Back in year 9, I hated myself so much, I researched how to commit suicide, they were all confusing and I didn’t understand them. Or maybe I wasn’t reading them properly. And then I tried it, overdosing on insulin. It almost happened, I took a massive dose just before I went to sleep and hoped that it would work like sleeping pills. But I woke up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat and my blood unbelievably low. So low I almost didn’t have the energy to get out of bed and eat some sweets to bring my blood back up. I haven’t tried since then, I contemplate it regularly, but I think more about how it will affect people afterwards, and I don’t want to do that to my family and friends after. Sometimes my thoughts tell me that they won’t care, that they’ll be happy to see the back of me, that I’m a waste of space. But the more logical side of me reasons with the other side, and I leave the suicidal thoughts for another day.
I guess the main thing that caused most of this is having Type 1 Diabetes. I know it’s probably a stupid thing but sometimes I feel like I’m trapped and I can’t do anything. Sometimes, for me, having diabetes is like having a plate of delicious food right in front of me and I cant reach it. I hate having to check my blood EVERY time before I eat. I could go low at any time. I could go high and it can affect my concentration at school, my mood towards people. It can affect everything, and I hate it so much.
In Year 7, I once got a voicemail from someone from school saying that no-one liked me. And I’m a really gullible person, and believed it. I was in Year 7, just started with only a few shaky friendships and I was nervous about everything. Most of the time I avoided people and read a book in an enclosed area. So this voicemail just didn’t help.
But I have more friends now, and I know that they actually DO care for me, but sometimes I don’t realise it and sometimes it feels like I’m the only person.
Recently, maybe a few weeks ago, I went to the hospital for my regular check up with my Diabetes team. It seemed ok, just had to change where to put the cannula (the needle that I inject into my body – I have a pump) because there was the formation of lumps on my stomach from build up of fat. I was fine with that. But then one member said something that made me wat to curl up into a ball and stay like that. He said that I needed to eat more healthily. I wasn’t going to grow anymore so with the amount of food I’m eating, I would become ‘fat.’ And that scared me. For years I’ve had a slight priblem with my eating and actually being told that I could be putting on too much weight just didn’t help. I didn’t think I was that bad, I was getting better wiht how I viewed my body. But now it’s all come back and although I tell my friends, I don’t think they completely understand how much it has affected me.
So sometimes I go into these moods, I don’t talk to anyone and if someone tries to talk to me I can break down. Last week two of my friends tried to talk to me because they seemed worried. I literally walked away from them, went into the girls toilet and stayed there for the rest of break crying.
Top tip guys: Don’t corner your friends in a room and force them to talk about how they feel, it won’t work!!
But I felt better at the end of break. I saw them later and they apologised, saying that what they did was the wrong approach. I haven’t actually talked to them about how I feel but I don’t like doing that – I’m quite a closed person about some things.
But anyway, these moods. There are a few things that get me out of them:
- I listen to music – BTS is my ultimate group to listen to. They actually make me so happy and 98 times out of 100 they put me in a better mood
- Reading – I love reading and it helps me escape from my moods
- Talking to my friends – usualy its about something fun or something that happened at school that needs a gossip about
- Write – I like to write stories, or blog posts right now.
- Play piano – I love to play piano and I think it’s easy for me to let my emotions out when playing
Those are my top things that I do. Comment down below what your things to do are and I’ll try them out and other people who read may also try them
Love,
Jay xx
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