Watch “HOME (Clean Instrumental)” on YouTube

https://youtu.be/TCE5OfG-pKY

Hey i know its been FOREVER since I last went on here but I would love it if you guys would check out my instrumental i created on garageband. If you like it please share it around..

Love, Jay xxx

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her and Them (A poem)

So I was clearing out my wardrobe and I found this little book with a few poems. I read this one and I thought you guys might like it. WARNING: might be triggering! Jay x

She hides her tears with
pretty little lies.
Bad thoughts cloud her mind
and she can't sleep till 4am.
And noone knows, she smiles
she's ok, for a while.
But
when the lights turn off and
she's all alone.
She can't find a place to stay calm
so she turns to the last resort.
She closes her eyes.
And red falls onto the carpet.
But she tells everyone she's ok,
and smiles till the end of the day.
And then she's alone
with her self and Them.

Dear You (a love poem/song)

Dear You,
it's been a few weeks since we properly started talking
but it feels like forever.

we bonded over music and
somehow that was enough.

Now i can't stop thinking about You,
i can't wait for your messages.

i don't think I've ever felt like this,
not properly.

i wish i didn't have to hide my feelings
but i'm scared that if i tell You, You'll stop being my friend.

and i'd rather have a friendship than a broken heart.

Dear You,
You make me laugh so much and
i wish we could talk more.

but i'm scared that one day
You'll see the real me

and leave me.

that's why i'll probably never tell You how i feel.

Because i'd rather have a friendship than a broken heart.

A Poem for my Mum

So many memories that
i can't put on paper.
Because i can't express myself
or because i prefer to remember it.

But i want to say thank you.
Thank you for making me laugh
and for making sure there's food on the table
and for paying for music lessons that 
payed off, even if you complain about how much they cost.

You say you're so proud of me
even when i wonder what there is to be proud about
and a few days ago,
when you read those letters
and it felt like the world fell apart
for you,
i want to say that i won't go anywhere anytime soon. 
i know you love me too much 
and i love you too.

This letter is for the times that even when we argue
and don't see eye to eye over a few things,
i still love you and wouldn't trade for you any other mother.

Thank you for raising me to be the person i am,
and i hope you're happy with how i am now.

love you to the moon and back

xx

Social Anxiety

Hey!!

SO yesterday was my first day doing a weekend job at a hairdressers. I would be cleaning up hair after clients and getting drinks and doing washing up and stuff – really basic jobs. And I was cool with that.

However, about an hour after starting, I started panicking. I wasn’t talking to anyone else because I was too nervous and I started wondering if they were talking about me behind my back, laughing because I wasn’t doing well and that maybe I shouldn’t hav this job.

However, they were actually really nice but I still panicked. When I wasn’t doing any of the jobs I stayed in the staffroom and kept to myself, which looking back prooobablly didn’t actually help. I did speak to a few people and it was nice.

But when I got home I looked up the definition of social anxiety:

Social anxiety is the fear of being judged and evaluated negatively by other people, leading to feelings of inadequacy, inferiority, self-consciousness, embarrassment, humiliation, and depression.

And I related to this so much. I panicked a lot and stayed away from people, which ultimately lead to me wondering if they were judging me. There were a few times when I really wanted to cry, just sit in the bathroom and let it all out. But I didn’t, mainly because I didn’t want the other staff to notice.

Maybe a lot of people get first-day-nerves, and I wonder how they managed to overcome them.

Next week, I’ll do another post about my second day and mention if it’s getting better or worse..

Love,

Jay x

All it Took – Poem

Hey, so I’m writing poems and I want to start posting them on my blog. This is the firstone, it’s called ‘All it Took.’

Please comment down what you think of it – I need the criticism to help me get better!!

Jay xx (WARNING: Could be triggering)

All it took
was one look
in the mirror,
For her world
to turn upside down.

A bite on the lips,
A lifetime on the hips,
She took it so seriously. 

Now all she sees
are white-washed walls.
No mirror in sight.
All she can read
are numbers on a machine
teling her if she'll live 
or not.

And as she swallows
her food her
tears
turn to
dust.

Let’s talk about this mentally

Heyy!! Sorry I haven’t updated recently but I have been so busy with school and homework and everything else so I just haven’t had the time…But now I have about 30 minutes so let’s do this!

Mental Health. You hear those two words and instantly you think of depression, anxiety, OCD, eating problems. All of those. But people expect people to act a different way because of this. Everyone’s mental health is different.

I self-diagnosed myself as depressed. I’m too scared to tell people this because people say that if a doctor didn’t diagnose you then you can’t call yourself depressed. So I guess that me self harming, crying in front of the fridge as I eat twixes and trying to commit suicide several times aren’t symptoms of depression. I’ve been like this since year 9 (age 13/14) and it comes and goes. Sometimes I’m happy without a care in the world and other days I feel nothing. Literally nothing apart from sadness. Like today: I was ok until I got home and for certain reasons I became upset. I tried to cover it up but my family noticed something was wrong. I don’t tell them anything, not unless I absolutely have to. I tell my friends instead, they would listen more.

It’s sad I don’t tell my family anything, but I can’t. I’m too scared.

One of my friends is diagnosed with depression. He has to take antidepressants and a bunch of other pills, and i know I don’t need them, but I’m too scared to say anything. Maybe you have to have self-harmed a certain amount of times to be properly diagnosed..maybe you have to ALWAYS be unhappy. I know those aren’t true, but I’m too scared to say anything else.

I just want to talk about me and my problems. I describe myself as having two parts of myself: the happy side that everyone sees most of the time, and the dark side that comes out every so often. It laughs at me and mocks me, calling me awful names and in the end I crack and end up scratching myself, most of the time with my nails because they’re too short to do any real damage, but sometimes with a compass or scissors – whatever I can find in my room.

Back in year 9, I hated myself so much, I researched how to commit suicide, they were all confusing and I didn’t understand them. Or maybe I wasn’t reading them properly. And then I tried it, overdosing on insulin. It almost happened, I took a massive dose just before I went to sleep and hoped that it would work like sleeping pills. But I woke up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat and my blood unbelievably low. So low I almost didn’t have the energy to get out of bed and eat some sweets to bring my blood back up. I haven’t tried since then, I contemplate it regularly, but I think more about how it will affect people afterwards, and I don’t want to do that to my family and friends after. Sometimes my thoughts tell me that they won’t care, that they’ll be happy to see the back of me, that I’m a waste of space. But the more logical side of me reasons with the other side, and I leave the suicidal thoughts for another day.

I guess the main thing that caused most of this is having Type 1 Diabetes. I know it’s probably a stupid thing but sometimes I feel like I’m trapped and I can’t do anything. Sometimes, for me, having diabetes is like having a plate of delicious food right in front of me and I cant reach it. I hate having to check my blood EVERY time before I eat. I could go low at any time. I could go high and it can affect my concentration at school, my mood towards people. It can affect everything, and I hate it so much.

In Year 7, I once got a voicemail from someone from school saying that no-one liked me. And I’m a really gullible person, and believed it. I was in Year 7, just started with only a few shaky friendships and I was nervous about everything. Most of the time I avoided people and read a book in an enclosed area. So this voicemail just didn’t help.

But I have more friends now, and I know that they actually DO care for me, but sometimes I don’t realise it and sometimes it feels like I’m the only person.

Recently, maybe a few weeks ago, I went to the hospital for my regular check up with my Diabetes team. It seemed ok, just had to change where to put the cannula (the needle that I inject into my body – I have a pump) because there was the formation of lumps on my stomach from build up of fat. I was fine with that. But then one member said something that made me wat to curl up into a ball and stay like that. He said that I needed to eat more healthily. I wasn’t going to grow anymore so with the amount of food I’m eating, I would become ‘fat.’ And that scared me. For years I’ve had a slight priblem with my eating and actually being told that I could be putting on too much weight just didn’t help. I didn’t think I was that bad, I was getting better wiht how I viewed my body. But now it’s all come back and although I tell my friends, I don’t think they completely understand how much it has affected me.

So sometimes I go into these moods, I don’t talk to anyone and if someone tries to talk to me I can break down. Last week two of my friends tried to talk to me because they seemed worried. I literally walked away from them, went into the girls toilet and stayed there for the rest of break crying.

Top tip guys: Don’t corner your friends in a room and force them to talk about how they feel, it won’t work!!

But I felt better at the end of break. I saw them later and they apologised, saying that what they did was the wrong approach. I haven’t actually talked to them about how I feel but I don’t like doing that – I’m quite a closed person about some things.

But anyway, these moods. There are a few things that get me out of them:

  1. I listen to music – BTS is my ultimate group to listen to. They actually make me so happy and 98 times out of 100 they put me in a better mood
  2. Reading – I love reading and it helps me escape from my moods
  3. Talking to my friends – usualy its about something fun or something that happened at school that needs a gossip about
  4. Write – I like to write stories, or blog posts right now.
  5. Play piano – I love to play piano and I think it’s easy for me to let my emotions out when playing

Those are my top things that I do. Comment down below what your things to do are and I’ll try them out and other people who read may also try them

Love,

Jay xx