Summer Playlist

Hey Guys! Guess who’s gonna be back for the next few months? ME! Tomorrow is my last day of exams whihc means that I have just over two months of relaxation. However, with England being England, the weather is awful 😦

But I thought it would be nice just to upload my playlist for the summer. WARNING: this playlist will contain a LOT of BTS so if you’re not a fan, then just ignore those songs…

  • Dream Glow – BTS & Charli XCX
  • Love Shot – EXO
  • Shine – Pentagon
  • Blue Side – J Hope
  • Ddaeng – BTS
  • Want it that way – Backstreet Boys
  • Do it like a Dude – Jessie J
  • I like me better – Lauv
  • Mic Drop – BTS
  • Lucid Dreams – Juice WRLD
  • Without Me – Halsey
  • Nightmare – Halsey
  • My songs know what you did in the dark – Fall Out Boy
  • 8 – Billie Eilish
  • Ddu-Du Ddu-Du – Blackpink
  • Bohemian Rhapsody – Queen
  • Rocketman – Elton John
  • BITCH – Lennon Stella
  • Agust D – Agust D

Ok that’s a SNIPPET of my playlist (it goes on foreeevverrr)…

I hope to keep blogging at least once a week. Maybe tomorrow I’ll fill you all in about what has happened recently and what will happen.

Love you all,

Jay xx

her and Them (A poem)

So I was clearing out my wardrobe and I found this little book with a few poems. I read this one and I thought you guys might like it. WARNING: might be triggering! Jay x

She hides her tears with
pretty little lies.
Bad thoughts cloud her mind
and she can't sleep till 4am.
And noone knows, she smiles
she's ok, for a while.
when the lights turn off and
she's all alone.
She can't find a place to stay calm
so she turns to the last resort.
She closes her eyes.
And red falls onto the carpet.
But she tells everyone she's ok,
and smiles till the end of the day.
And then she's alone
with her self and Them.

Dear You (a love poem/song)

Dear You,
it's been a few weeks since we properly started talking
but it feels like forever.

we bonded over music and
somehow that was enough.

Now i can't stop thinking about You,
i can't wait for your messages.

i don't think I've ever felt like this,
not properly.

i wish i didn't have to hide my feelings
but i'm scared that if i tell You, You'll stop being my friend.

and i'd rather have a friendship than a broken heart.

Dear You,
You make me laugh so much and
i wish we could talk more.

but i'm scared that one day
You'll see the real me

and leave me.

that's why i'll probably never tell You how i feel.

Because i'd rather have a friendship than a broken heart.

A Poem for my Mum

So many memories that
i can't put on paper.
Because i can't express myself
or because i prefer to remember it.

But i want to say thank you.
Thank you for making me laugh
and for making sure there's food on the table
and for paying for music lessons that 
payed off, even if you complain about how much they cost.

You say you're so proud of me
even when i wonder what there is to be proud about
and a few days ago,
when you read those letters
and it felt like the world fell apart
for you,
i want to say that i won't go anywhere anytime soon. 
i know you love me too much 
and i love you too.

This letter is for the times that even when we argue
and don't see eye to eye over a few things,
i still love you and wouldn't trade for you any other mother.

Thank you for raising me to be the person i am,
and i hope you're happy with how i am now.

love you to the moon and back


Social Anxiety


SO yesterday was my first day doing a weekend job at a hairdressers. I would be cleaning up hair after clients and getting drinks and doing washing up and stuff – really basic jobs. And I was cool with that.

However, about an hour after starting, I started panicking. I wasn’t talking to anyone else because I was too nervous and I started wondering if they were talking about me behind my back, laughing because I wasn’t doing well and that maybe I shouldn’t hav this job.

However, they were actually really nice but I still panicked. When I wasn’t doing any of the jobs I stayed in the staffroom and kept to myself, which looking back prooobablly didn’t actually help. I did speak to a few people and it was nice.

But when I got home I looked up the definition of social anxiety:

Social anxiety is the fear of being judged and evaluated negatively by other people, leading to feelings of inadequacy, inferiority, self-consciousness, embarrassment, humiliation, and depression.

And I related to this so much. I panicked a lot and stayed away from people, which ultimately lead to me wondering if they were judging me. There were a few times when I really wanted to cry, just sit in the bathroom and let it all out. But I didn’t, mainly because I didn’t want the other staff to notice.

Maybe a lot of people get first-day-nerves, and I wonder how they managed to overcome them.

Next week, I’ll do another post about my second day and mention if it’s getting better or worse..


Jay x

All it Took – Poem

Hey, so I’m writing poems and I want to start posting them on my blog. This is the firstone, it’s called ‘All it Took.’

Please comment down what you think of it – I need the criticism to help me get better!!

Jay xx (WARNING: Could be triggering)

All it took
was one look
in the mirror,
For her world
to turn upside down.

A bite on the lips,
A lifetime on the hips,
She took it so seriously. 

Now all she sees
are white-washed walls.
No mirror in sight.
All she can read
are numbers on a machine
teling her if she'll live 
or not.

And as she swallows
her food her
turn to

Let’s talk about this mentally

Heyy!! Sorry I haven’t updated recently but I have been so busy with school and homework and everything else so I just haven’t had the time…But now I have about 30 minutes so let’s do this!

Mental Health. You hear those two words and instantly you think of depression, anxiety, OCD, eating problems. All of those. But people expect people to act a different way because of this. Everyone’s mental health is different.

I self-diagnosed myself as depressed. I’m too scared to tell people this because people say that if a doctor didn’t diagnose you then you can’t call yourself depressed. So I guess that me self harming, crying in front of the fridge as I eat twixes and trying to commit suicide several times aren’t symptoms of depression. I’ve been like this since year 9 (age 13/14) and it comes and goes. Sometimes I’m happy without a care in the world and other days I feel nothing. Literally nothing apart from sadness. Like today: I was ok until I got home and for certain reasons I became upset. I tried to cover it up but my family noticed something was wrong. I don’t tell them anything, not unless I absolutely have to. I tell my friends instead, they would listen more.

It’s sad I don’t tell my family anything, but I can’t. I’m too scared.

One of my friends is diagnosed with depression. He has to take antidepressants and a bunch of other pills, and i know I don’t need them, but I’m too scared to say anything. Maybe you have to have self-harmed a certain amount of times to be properly diagnosed..maybe you have to ALWAYS be unhappy. I know those aren’t true, but I’m too scared to say anything else.

I just want to talk about me and my problems. I describe myself as having two parts of myself: the happy side that everyone sees most of the time, and the dark side that comes out every so often. It laughs at me and mocks me, calling me awful names and in the end I crack and end up scratching myself, most of the time with my nails because they’re too short to do any real damage, but sometimes with a compass or scissors – whatever I can find in my room.

Back in year 9, I hated myself so much, I researched how to commit suicide, they were all confusing and I didn’t understand them. Or maybe I wasn’t reading them properly. And then I tried it, overdosing on insulin. It almost happened, I took a massive dose just before I went to sleep and hoped that it would work like sleeping pills. But I woke up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat and my blood unbelievably low. So low I almost didn’t have the energy to get out of bed and eat some sweets to bring my blood back up. I haven’t tried since then, I contemplate it regularly, but I think more about how it will affect people afterwards, and I don’t want to do that to my family and friends after. Sometimes my thoughts tell me that they won’t care, that they’ll be happy to see the back of me, that I’m a waste of space. But the more logical side of me reasons with the other side, and I leave the suicidal thoughts for another day.

I guess the main thing that caused most of this is having Type 1 Diabetes. I know it’s probably a stupid thing but sometimes I feel like I’m trapped and I can’t do anything. Sometimes, for me, having diabetes is like having a plate of delicious food right in front of me and I cant reach it. I hate having to check my blood EVERY time before I eat. I could go low at any time. I could go high and it can affect my concentration at school, my mood towards people. It can affect everything, and I hate it so much.

In Year 7, I once got a voicemail from someone from school saying that no-one liked me. And I’m a really gullible person, and believed it. I was in Year 7, just started with only a few shaky friendships and I was nervous about everything. Most of the time I avoided people and read a book in an enclosed area. So this voicemail just didn’t help.

But I have more friends now, and I know that they actually DO care for me, but sometimes I don’t realise it and sometimes it feels like I’m the only person.

Recently, maybe a few weeks ago, I went to the hospital for my regular check up with my Diabetes team. It seemed ok, just had to change where to put the cannula (the needle that I inject into my body – I have a pump) because there was the formation of lumps on my stomach from build up of fat. I was fine with that. But then one member said something that made me wat to curl up into a ball and stay like that. He said that I needed to eat more healthily. I wasn’t going to grow anymore so with the amount of food I’m eating, I would become ‘fat.’ And that scared me. For years I’ve had a slight priblem with my eating and actually being told that I could be putting on too much weight just didn’t help. I didn’t think I was that bad, I was getting better wiht how I viewed my body. But now it’s all come back and although I tell my friends, I don’t think they completely understand how much it has affected me.

So sometimes I go into these moods, I don’t talk to anyone and if someone tries to talk to me I can break down. Last week two of my friends tried to talk to me because they seemed worried. I literally walked away from them, went into the girls toilet and stayed there for the rest of break crying.

Top tip guys: Don’t corner your friends in a room and force them to talk about how they feel, it won’t work!!

But I felt better at the end of break. I saw them later and they apologised, saying that what they did was the wrong approach. I haven’t actually talked to them about how I feel but I don’t like doing that – I’m quite a closed person about some things.

But anyway, these moods. There are a few things that get me out of them:

  1. I listen to music – BTS is my ultimate group to listen to. They actually make me so happy and 98 times out of 100 they put me in a better mood
  2. Reading – I love reading and it helps me escape from my moods
  3. Talking to my friends – usualy its about something fun or something that happened at school that needs a gossip about
  4. Write – I like to write stories, or blog posts right now.
  5. Play piano – I love to play piano and I think it’s easy for me to let my emotions out when playing

Those are my top things that I do. Comment down below what your things to do are and I’ll try them out and other people who read may also try them


Jay xx

International Women’s Day


So I guess you all know yesterday was a special day for women around the world (hence the world International) because yesterday was International Women’s Day. (Sorry I couldn’t post this yesterday, I was busy doing homework, revision etc.)

ps. this is a major hint on on my gender but never mind that.

My Girl Power Playlist:

  • Killer Queen – Queen
  • Run the world (girls) – Beyoncé
  • 21st Century Girl – BTS
  • Independent Woman (pt 1) – Destiny’s Child
  • Respect – Aretha Franklin
  • Girl on Fire – Alicia Keys
  • Born this way – Lady Gaga
  • Thursdays – Jess Glynne
  • Perfect – Anne Marie
  • No Scrubs – TLC
  • God is a Woman – Ariana Grande
  • 9 to 5 – Dolly Parton

So moving onto the actual blog topic – Women’s Day.

She’s just a girl and she’s on Fire – Alicia Keys (Girl on Fire)

It shocks me that there are women and girls around the world who still cannot go to school, read or write, have no say in what they can and cannot do and in a nutshell, have no respect or equality. Women still receive physical and mental abuse, estimated that 35% of women have receieved either physical and/or sexual violence from a partner or a non-partner (not including sexual harrassment). Evidence also shows that women who have experienced this report higher taes of depression, having an abortion and acquiring HIV.

She’s a Killer Queen – Queen (Killer Queen)

It is estimated that there are 650 million women and girls in the world today who were married before age 18. During the past decade, the global rate of child marriage has declined—from one in four young women (aged 20-24) being married as children, to almost one in five. Still, in West and Central Africa—where this harmful practice is most common—over four out of 10 young women were married before their 18th birthday. Child marriage usually ends in early pregnancy and social isolation. It can stop them from going to school, limits the girl’s opportunities and increases her risk of experiencing domestic violence.

Tell them that you’re strong, Tell them you’re enough – BTS (21st Century Girl)

On Monday, we had an assembly about Women’s Day. And one thing that was mentioned was FGM. Not a lot of people in my year knew what that was, but I did and I autimatically crossed my legs without thinking. My friend who sat next to me had given me a quetioning look, as did a few other girls. But when they realised what FGM was, EVERY girl who I saw had crossed their legs. FGM is horrible, and the teacher talking about it said that at LEAST 200 million girls and women have undergone this process, sometimes without anaesthetic. It physically made me sick and weak to think that this is happening in some places, even England in some places.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Find out what it means to me – Aretha Franklin (Respect)

In media studies, we had to look at the comparison of gender in two posters, one in the modern day (a This Girl Can poster) and a poster in (I think) the 1950s. The difference between them was amazing. The modern day poster was encouraging women and girls to do sport whereas the othe rposter had a mother who had to look after two children and a dog while the husband was somewhere else. I’m glad that although there is improvement on how women and girls are treated, there are still countries who discriminate against gender and show no respect.

I just wanna feel beautiful – Jess Glynne (Thursdays)

That is all I want to write about today. In another post I want to talk more about equality but for now, that’s it for me.

For those who want to learn more facts about International Women’s Day, click on this link.

This is where I found my facts. Hope you enjoyed this post. Comment down below any of your Girl Power songs and I will add them to my list.


Some body to love: Accepting our bodies

Hey guys! (or person)

I want to writ about another topic that’s quite personal to me. It’s about body acceptance.

I’ve had major struggles accepting my body, and even now I don’t love it. But I know that what I think isn’t healthy, and I’m careful with what I do to it. I would say I’m quite a light person compared to my other friends, but recently my diabetic paediatrician told me that I need to start excersising more as I’m not going to grow anymore and the amount of food I eat will start making me fat. So now I’m on a sort of diet and I don’t think my family realises how hard it is for me.

Since about year 8 (12/13), I’ve been calling myself fat. I have words written on pages in books, I’ve written it on my skin and I’ve etched it lightly on my arm. It’s faint so it’s not noticeable. But for a few motnhs last year I started to accept my body and the marks that came with it. I was happy, I wasn’t fat but I wasn’t too skinny. I didn’t have the hourglass shape and I didn’t really fit in any other type of body. But I was hapy with it. And then the dark side of my thoughts came back (I’ll wite more about this side in another blog post) and I started hating my body again. I would stare in the mirror and cringe at the small bit of fat that’s actually healthy.

I know that my body is fine, but it’s hard to accept it. My friends have tried to tell me that I’m fine, that I’m really skinny, but it’s hard to listen when the voice in your head is with you constantly.

So now I’ve decided to do a few rules to help my confidence boost again:

  1. Tell yourself that your body is perfect everyday
  2. Don’t look in the mirror for more than 5 minutes in the morning and evening
  3. Don’t wear makeup everyday (I’ve been doing this often and it helps a lot)
  4. Don’t write any negative words on your skin
  5. Don’t go near any compasses when you’re feeling down

Those are my top 5 right now, and if you have any ideas that will help, or are struggling in any way, comment below and I will reply back. This is a short-ish post and maybe on another day I will go into more depth, but for now, Bye!